Well it certainly has been a very long time since my last post. As usual I started with very high hopes of writing consistently but then... I didn't.
"I'll do it tomorrow" is the refrain that I've been singing my whole life. As I get older I am quickly realizing that the tomorrow doesn't belong to me any more (not that they did before but you know what I mean). In getting past the guilt and the self recriminations I wanted to jump in to writing this blog again. So a few weeks back I thought "I know, I'll write every day..." This had disaster written all over it. But then the little kid in me was all enthusiastic with "Yeah, but this time it will be different!" This is the second verse to the aforementioned song.
After spending a little time hiding under the covers I remembered this phrase that someone told me about fat - "The fat that we hold is actually uncried tears and unspoken fears." Great, now I'm going to have to go through all the things again that made me fat and miserable in the first place? Actually no. Because this time it can be different. I am no longer a child looking up to adults to approve, reward and feed me. People withholding love and food for whatever reason they thought was a good idea. (I am certainly not blaming people who were equally messed up but it still happened). Now what?
I don't think I have to cry those rivers and feel those fears because a lot of those fears were created from a child who didn't know about the options in life. There was no way of knowing as an 8-year-old how to nourish my soul. All I cared about were Barbie dolls and finding out that Jonny Quest was not a real boy but in fact a drawing (my heart still aches a little over that).
Now I need to allow those uncried tears some honor and release. Then to reassure that 8-year-old that there's really nothing to fear so that we can all get on with life. My one big sadness of not getting a hold of my weight and body sooner is that no matter how slim and fit I get at this point in life I pretty much have to give up on the idea of ever wearing leather pants.
